I am not sure if the above word is just a technical jargon for basically how every other scripting languages work, or it’s a uniquely different concept, because it also involves HTML renderer, JavaScript engine and Network Stack, a web assembler and whatever the fuck is in a modern web browser.
I mean, so far, in the last two years, I have had zero success with internship. And I just gave up. Have applied sparsely since the last one year, I believe, and then my confidence kept falling back because of the poor feedback - all of my application involves me getting ghosted. I mean, what the fuck, did I waste my four years to a useless third-class CS degree?
My mental health is at it’s absolute low, my parents keep nagging me, comparing to my cousin, then there’s body shaming, zero social contacts, I haven’t left my house in a long time. I’m glued to a screen trying to learn, only to give up halfway - that’s how most of my personal projects have ended up. And yes, my scumbag blood relatives, who have never even seen my face, talking all behind my back, and my parents ashamed of this. The social evils in this world does everything to drain my mood, when I’m trying to be content.
I have wasted my last two years switching between machine learning, to web dev, to niche system programming and now back to web dev. Basically, I am a shit developer, and I am good at nothing. I wasted my time contributing to open source, believing like an idiot that my work will be noticed, and that I could get to work in some nice place.
I feel so dumb. I wish that I wasn’t so serious in my teens, that I didn’t try to be one of those pretentious male version of “saving-for-marriage” dumb-ass. Maybe I should have tried dating and stuff like that. Maybe try learning some fun creative stuff - because I have no other hobby, apart from reading shitty pirated manga and playing F2P games. Talked to people in general, because right now, I suck at talking to men and women alike. I have become voluntarily mute.
Right now, my eyes hurt. I hate staring at the screen. I hate every electronic gadgets where I live. I want to burn them all. A few months was enough to radicalize me to hate this hopeless, shit world. I have no freedom right now, no privacy, no peace of mind, and no money. I want to go back to when I was in my pre-teens and relive a better version of youth. I was bought here without consent, and I’m being blamed for it. I want out.
don’t do internships. the jobs you get only through internships are overhyped and shite.
do some random job that pays okay and doesn’t stress you. network a bit (but not too much, it can be stressful) and look for job opportunities you may like through people. keep in mind that some people will hype their company, so it seems they have done well working there.
move away from people nagging you with money from random job.
do whatever you like. party, maybe find friends. enjoy life.
Eventually you’ll find something (in your field or otherwise), and when you do it’ll get better. These things have a way of snowballing and feeling like there’s no way out, but something will come along and things will eventually get better. It’s just a rough time in tech right now.
See if your school has any kind of placement program.
