You’re welcome. And if I might add something: Sounds like you’re a nice person and on the right path. All of that isn’t easy and lots of us (humans) struggle with certain things in relationships or with being ourselves. Lots of people just live with mismatched libidos and/or fantasies that they can’t share. Or lots of other woes. I think you deserve some respect for putting in the effort and wanting to address that. And who knows where this will lead? Maybe your aversion to intimate conversations can be overcome. Sometimes our weaknesses also provide us with something else. I mean this way the solution certainly won’t be gifted to you. You’d have to work (hard) for it. And usually earning things this way pays off in more than one way… I’d be optimistic about the future and the more complicated topics.

Regarding “feel[ing] valued as a partner” and “the nuance”: Also here it’s a good thing that you try to understand the perspective of your partner and wanting to respect them and doing it the correct way for them. That’s a solid foundation. I’d say: Try to not assume what they want. I myself had a good amount of misunderstandings in the past of my relationship. Things we did that we assumed the other one wanted (or didn’t), but later on it turned out neither of us liked it that way. In the end -I think- you have to arrive at some point where you’re comfortable discussing these things openly, minimize misunderstandings and accepting each other… But all of this is really easier said than done.

And looking at other couples usually gives a skewed perspective. Most people make their relationship look fine and dandy. But if you were to look past that, lots of people also struggle or have to put in effort into their relationships. I learned about that by listening to some podcasts about relationships and sex. And I found lots of similarities and issues I had and still have. (I’d recommend those podcasts, but they’re in German.) And I also have some skeletons in the closet. So despite me maybe technically knowing what’s right… Sometime it’s just not easy or I missed the opportunity to bring something up. Or life gets in the way and there are other things to worry about. But I (too) strive to become better.

So… I’d say keep up the good work. General advice applies: Good/healthy communication is key to everything. Don’t let things being hard stop you. Brace for setbacks, they’ll happen. For major setbacks you’d need a solid foundation rooted in mutual respect and acceptance plus healthy communication and maybe some prepared strategies. I’d say this is a requirement for something I’d consider as healthy non-monogamy. But it’s hard to achieve and it also takes a good amount of time to get there.

For the things you already did, there’s no way to turn back time. It happened and the only question is how to handle it. I don’t know your partner so I can’t give advice. Hide it or be honest, tell only parts of the whole story… All of that are strategies people choose. Maybe you really screwed up, that happens. Your partner gets to decide how bad it feels to them. I think the job of the people who make the mistakes is to learn and not repeat the same mistake too often. And it’s difficult to find the correct time to approach a conversation about it. Could be too early but the real threat is probably trying to reconcile when it’s too late. So maybe have a plan/schedule so you don’t postpone it indefinitely if you want to address it.

All of this is just my opinion. And what people like and are comfortable with varies a lot. So everyone has to get to know their partner(s) and make up rules between each other individually. Love, respect, acceptance and healthy communication are the underlying things. On top of that you probably can’t apply other people’s strategies and opinions to your own relationship, you have to find your own way (between the both of you) as you have to find your own path in life.

(And a last sidenote: Before proceeding to implement the non-monogamy… Make sure you can absolutely rely on the communication between the both of you. And read up a bit on what mistakes other people made so you don’t have to repeat all of them. If we’re talking about more than acting out a cuckold fantasy, it requires a good amount of trust and constant communication and detailed knowledge about the emotional world of each other.)