Since the COVID and the war with Ukraine I drink regularly. I manage it somehow, doing hobbies, work, stuff. I don’t put my anger off on others, even ones who I hate. I keep it inside, and I drink.
But I find out there’s one unnerving thing. I can’t feel that I reek of alcohol. And I turn subconsciously suspective of others if they hear the smell. Nearly combatative at times. Everyone knows that I smell like vodka, I start to see it in their words, gestures. I become paranoid. They all know what I don’t, and I hate them.
And my partner doesn’t help it. They want me to be sober, but they only ask if I’ve bought booze on the end of the day. Either way if I did or didn’t, I feel shame and want to drink myself to not feeling anything anyway. They care about me, but I don’t feel like caring about myself. Why they even got to me, of all people, a fucking piece of shit going mental? I feel sorry for them and that many things that they do, I don’t deserve them at all.
I’m sitting on the attic with a bottle of vodka, there are four spiders I came across and a hidden hole that some bird picked as her nest. I heard the sounds of nervous moving and I wonder if they got her. I can’t access her location, and I wonder if four little spiders can take a bird. The closest date I’d discover her is the next spring. She’d either leave or die there. One of the subjects jumped onto my leg so I shoved it off. I wish this bird best.
I wish myself worst, for I’m useless.
I’ve never been addicted to alcohol, but I’ve been addicted to a few other things, including self hate. (Literally, not figuratively)
It’s comforting because it’s free, readily available, and takes almost no effort, and it’s virtually impossible to fail.
The first thing you have to do is want to change, and that part sounds so simple. Like most people, of course I wanted to change, but was I -ready- to? That’s… harder. Loving myself, doing better, getting better… It can be terrifying.
I can’t hide behind the mask of the Failure if I do that. It gives me a perfectly valid excuse to be a piece of shit, if I’m trying to be better, that excuse goes away. If I’m going to get better, I’ll have to -do- better, and that was an overwhelming thought…
Others here have offered some great advice, too. AA meetings, Lemmy communities… It’s near impossible to do alone. Find and share strength in others.
If any of this resonates with you, it may be that you need to confront the fear of being a better person. The fear of losing your excuse to be useless (as you put it)
That’s probably a bad thing I get what you are saying on the core level. I just never learnt any emotion but hate towards myself, my body, how I acted in the past. It’s all shame or even teeth-biting hatred.
I’d follow these suggestions, but I feel troubled, that’s there’s too many things to learn. Like loving myself. It’s hard to understand how some come up with it naturally. I’m happy for them tho.
What you’re describing sounds like a pretty deep hole…and you’re right, it’s going to be a monumental task to find your way out. You’ll make progress slowly, and sometimes even lose it. But it’s not impossible.
It’s a grind, and you won’t be able to keep it up 24/7. Just be willing to come back to it.
You can take off days, weeks, whatever you need. Just be willing to come back.
How you do it will be for you to find out, but I’ll share what is helping me:
It sounds simple and cliche, but “lie” to yourself. Nothing big at first. Just find anything positive, or anything you can frame as a positive, and change that narrative in your head. If you think the old “truth,” correct yourself and move on. If you repeat the same lie enough, you start to believe it.
Journaling is fantastic. I literally just vent to an imaginary person… A great start to any day is taking a few minutes to write down anxieties, fears, angers, and anything else that is weighing you down, too.
Those two are pretty universal, and I’m willing to try and help you find more, if you’d like. Just reply or DM.
And I can’t say enough about step programs (like AA) for any addiction. You can find some amazing support in them.
You -can- do this.
I’d put this to use and hope I’d make it.
Thank you. It’s on me to keep kicking, but with your and others’ replies I don’t feel as lost. Just a simple tenderness is what men in my position lack, but it’s also coupled with a solid advice. That’s golden.