After moving states to a much more progressive one i feel like i get clocked all of the time here, whereas back home that rarely ever happened. When i pass by male strangers they dont do the nod thing to me. its very disconcerting. I get they’d by people who don’t know me. I wish I could know what it was that makes people clock me like that. It feels like I’m not man enough here. Not being stealth feels like being naked. I don’t like it.
Part of me wants to talk about my experiences as a trans man because it is a unique expierence that needs to be known, but at the same time I feel like as soon as I tell people I’m trans I automatically become Man Lite™ and a bunch of assumptions are made about me. And then I’m not man enough and am not treated as any other man would be treated. I wish T would do its magic already. I’m constantly feeling dysphoric these days.
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cowboy you moved from a southern state to a northern one, people are just less friendly and more standoffish, it’s like that in most northern cities. just a reminder that you are man enough and anybody who tries to make you feel lesser probobaly isn’t worth your time, just be true to yourself and you will find people who you vibe with
Maybe you’re right…still expierencing culture shock
Where I live (not usa), people rarely (read: never) greet strangers in the street. It would be pretty awkward greeting people all the time. It’s just not done. I mind my business, you mind yours.
Maybe, indeed, it’s a cultute thing
Nodding at men you pass is a culturally-specific action, and not universal to the male experience. I only encountered it while living in the Midwest.
What does being clocked mean?
being clocked is when someone notices youre trans against your will
I nod at women. But I nod a lot.
So, if I read it correctly, you think strangers not nodding hello means they recognise you’re trans?
I mean it in the sense of being percieved as not-man, not nececarily trans.
Strangers not nodding hello could just mean they’re not as friendly as you’re used to. Where I live (UK) it would take a lot for us to acknowledge a stranger is even there let alone nod or say hello. You’d get a thanks for holding a door or letting someone passed but without that interaction we’re not even gonna glance in your direction.
i don’t think it’s objective fact but it does make me feel that way sometimes, yeah. Maybe it’s a cultural or age difference.
where i am nod thing is only usedfor men u know an frends so could be regional thing meowmeow i hav found is more man thing to ignore strangers in public at least where i am
There’s the nod down which is for men you dont know and the nod up for men you do know from my expierence
Honestly? I’m not from the United States so culture might be different, but I rarely ever see random men around me giving me the nod. Men I know sure but on the street? Almost never.
It’s kind of been a known thing among trans men communities that trans men tend to pass more in rural/more conservative areas than urban/progressive ones. This is something I’ve seen referenced, oh, probably for 20 years now.
Having grown up in a conservative area, I think there’s an element of conservative communities sort of believing that if someone doesn’t look like a cartoon caricature of a queer person, they must be cishet and any ‘evidence’ to the contrary will be waved away. So what would be called a baby face in a conservative area might be seen as a feminine face in a progressive one.
By contrast in progressive communities, my experience is that cis people will kind of over correct and assume that if you look gender nonconforming then you’re trans. Ask any butch lesbian in an urban area and they will probably tell you that they also get they’d a lot! Obviously it’s not the same as it is for trans people, but it’s probably nothing you in particular are doing to “cause” it.
It’s a sucky experience but try to see it as it is: their imperfect interpretation of you, based on almost nothing other than a quick glance. Correct them if it’s worth your time and do your best to shake it off if it’s not.
It’s interesting how both are oppressive in different ways
Something funny (and not funny) that happened to me is that someone who did not know I was trans thought I’d be transphobic because (presumably) I’m from the south and shared with me all of their shitty opinions on trans people in private thinking I’d agree with them
Oh jeeze yeah, that and the sudden turbo sexism out of nowhere is REALLY disconcerting when it starts to happen. It’s a real eye opener.
I just wanna say from a man’s perspective, don’t read into it too much. When I’m in public, I damn near put blinders on. A couple weeks ago, I walked straight past a buddy of mine in public and didn’t even see him. He texted me later like, “Dude, we cool?” I had to ask him to elaborate, as I was completely confused.
You’re doing great. Be true to yourself. Don’t worry about strangers; we are becoming increasingly isolated from one another due to various factors, including polarization. You got this, dude.
Not US, but coming from a somewhat progressive area, I don’t get what you mean by nodding. I know that as something you do to say hi while you’re talking, you’re far away, have hands occupied and can’t wave, etc. And I default to “they” for practically everybody.
Yeah if you moved from like the US south to PNW for instance, I personally know someone who’s done the move and is trans who found themselves feeling kinda the the same thing bc of how standoffish ppl here are. I did the move ten years ago and personally loved no longer being roped into being social with everyone, but it does legitimately mean i greet ppl who never even acknowledge me and sometimes that makes me feel rejected/judged even though i know it’s not personal.
For me, i appreciate knowing that no one around me cares enough to pay attention, but i grew up in a small town. I don’t find ppl as involved in my business outside the south, but I know the social scripts of greeting and interacting makes some ppl feel safer/as if ppl care even though they’re just as likely to dislike you where im from.
But yeah idk progressive folks ironicly care LESS to pay too much attention. They’ll often glance and assume queer and then just try and guess based on their feelings of gender which can be just as bad and stereotype ladened as anyone from anywhere. Right now a lot of ppl are fucky on gendered traits even if they mean well cause of culture war stuff. I know trans ppl right now who clock others the wrong direction. Everyone is sensitive of upsetting others but no one will just ask pronouns if they arent sure. I HATE how chicken shit scared everyone is up here about everything!
Ppl in the US south sort of culture, in my experience, dont have enough to do so they’re always bored. ppl in progressive places got shit to do and want to end any exchange as fast as possible regardless of who you are and usually dont really pay attention during the exchange to the person they’re talking to cause they’re in their own head about their shit. (・_・;) making friends can be really hard here too :(
Um. I could be totally wrong i am definitely not an authority, but your experience made me think of this. My friend has been here 5 years and is only just now realizing that ppl here disrespect everyone by not paying enough attention to even TRY and get pronouns right for anyone slightly gender nonconforming (this even means traits on a cis person others have just decided should be only one one gender presentation even though humans aren’t really very sexually dymorphic) in appearance cis or no right now.
They just guess and I see it wrong all the time for cis people too. It’s not to diminish your experience! Im closer to 40 than not and have seen lack of care trigger someone just as much as genuine transphobia and it doesn’t make the dysphoria less anguishing im so sorry. 💙
Edit: i think my friend told me something like “where im from they’re just honest when they hate you, here it feels like less people care or hate me, but more people here feel like they don’t want me around at all regardless of anything about me personally. And that happens more often here than the hate did there.” if you can relate to that!
