I was stuck at a startup for 7 years. One of my coworkers told me on my second day of employment that I almost didn’t get the job because they were afraid I “wouldn’t fit in”. They were right, and did multiple things to make sure that was the case – set up my desk alone in a separate room away from the other 5 engineers, frat-boy humor… I tried advancing to management but got no support and demoted myself in a matter of weeks. I eventually landed my own office in a 5x8 room so I didn’t have to deal with anyone else there and did minimal work for the rest of my tenure. I stayed as long as I did for stock options and the promise of going public (we never did). I cried in my office behind my door on many occasions over 4 years and was too beaten down and lacked any confidence to get a new job. Couldn’t take another day there, but also couldn’t survive without it.
I spent a year in therapy to try to get some sense of confidence back. It worked to some degree but the saving grace was a former co-worker offering me a slot at another (large) company as he was building a new team with a bunch of other former co-workers. It was exactly the sort of known-quantity that I needed to start over again without having to prove myself to a bunch of strangers. That job didn’t pan out so well either – the new team collapsed in a matter of months but I was able to tread water for a couple of years until I got my current job.
I’m back in therapy for different reasons but I’m comfortably employed again. I blocked the key actors from the startup but the whole experience still hurts, even 15 years later.
I know this will pale in comparison to what others will post here, but it’s my story.
You’re allowed your story, always. To me it doesn’t sound like “nothing”, you were basically isolated for years, that is difficult for anyone to deal with and you can’t always just switch jobs for various reasons. I’m glad you ultimately chose yourself.
I was stuck at a startup for 7 years. One of my coworkers told me on my second day of employment that I almost didn’t get the job because they were afraid I “wouldn’t fit in”. They were right, and did multiple things to make sure that was the case – set up my desk alone in a separate room away from the other 5 engineers, frat-boy humor… I tried advancing to management but got no support and demoted myself in a matter of weeks. I eventually landed my own office in a 5x8 room so I didn’t have to deal with anyone else there and did minimal work for the rest of my tenure. I stayed as long as I did for stock options and the promise of going public (we never did). I cried in my office behind my door on many occasions over 4 years and was too beaten down and lacked any confidence to get a new job. Couldn’t take another day there, but also couldn’t survive without it.
I spent a year in therapy to try to get some sense of confidence back. It worked to some degree but the saving grace was a former co-worker offering me a slot at another (large) company as he was building a new team with a bunch of other former co-workers. It was exactly the sort of known-quantity that I needed to start over again without having to prove myself to a bunch of strangers. That job didn’t pan out so well either – the new team collapsed in a matter of months but I was able to tread water for a couple of years until I got my current job.
I’m back in therapy for different reasons but I’m comfortably employed again. I blocked the key actors from the startup but the whole experience still hurts, even 15 years later.
I know this will pale in comparison to what others will post here, but it’s my story.
You’re allowed your story, always. To me it doesn’t sound like “nothing”, you were basically isolated for years, that is difficult for anyone to deal with and you can’t always just switch jobs for various reasons. I’m glad you ultimately chose yourself.