I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I’m following a guidebook on divorce.
My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn’t love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she’s still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It’s not even as-if there’s a void, it’s a gaping hole through to the other side.
I don’t know if she’s dead. I don’t know if she’s ok. I don’t know anything, and I’m afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I’d never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It’s a divorce. It’s what you do, isn’t it?
I just want her to know it wasn’t so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but… why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?
It’s just a waste of time, isn’t it? We should just move on, but… can I? 15 years. I’m 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I’m stuck on her being ok. I don’t even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she’s ok.
She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I’d know how she is, I guess, but she’d have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.
Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. “Just don’t think about it!” Easy talk…
You know you can still remain friends, right? It sounds like that’s the part of the marriage you still miss…
There’s literally zero reason to cut off all contact unless that’s what she has explicitly stated (or that you want). I’m still very good friends with my former wife, for example, and we split over 14 years ago now and still talk at least once a week.
The only caveat I would give is that you are both firmly in each others friend zone’s here. You both have to be OK with each other dating - no jealousy. If you cannot handle that, then yes, stay away.
It also means any new partner you get will have to be OK with that, too. They will have a right to be jealous and discuss that with you, but it’s not ok for them to say you cannot see your ex, if that’s what you want.
OP says that NC was “universally suggested” (by whom???)
That’s the most baffling part of this. Bro cut off all contact with someone they spent 15 years with and is surprised when it hurts.
By my family for the most part, and anyone else I’ve talked to regarding divorce, as if it’s so matter-of-fact.
I mean I get the idea. If we are absent from eachother’s lives, the separation will be that much easier and less like slowly ripping off a band aid.
I’m not surprised, “bro”. I fully expected to be a miserable pile of shit. I’m in a divorce from 15 years of marriage.
Just because you don’t love her as a wife doesn’t mean you have to stop loving her on other levels. It’s beautiful that you care for her and maybe there is a non-romantic relationship for you two in the future. There’s a reason you were drawn together in the first place. Maybe you’ll find you’re better off as friends. Maybe extended family. Maybe just a fond memory.
It sounds too soon to build a new relationship, but you could drop a line saying you’re still there if she ever needs you. Take time and try to focus on finding out what kind of life you want to make for yourself. Set goals and take baby steps. Best of luck, friend.
Edit: Just realized this post is three months old. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well and I’ll leave my comment below if you’re still interested in advice.
Did you and your ex-wife ever talk about what your post-divorce relationship should be like? Did you two set a “no contact” boundary with each other?
I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away
Did she tell you that herself? If she did tell you that when you got divorced, was it in the heat of an argument or a calm discussion of expectations and boundaries?
It’s not weird for a divorced couple to remain friends, especially if it was “mutual”. If your ex specifically said she never wants to be in contact again, then you should respect that, but there’s no need to impose that on yourself if it doesn’t suit you. I don’t think it’s disrespectful to send an email or a text saying “I hope you’re alright and I’d like to stay in touch”.
I hope that you are not making this harder on yourself than it needs to be.
