I stopped going to any supports i had for 4 years at the moment cause i felt like i couldn’t communicate what I want because if i say i don’t know how to do some basic life skills they put me in a group with non functional people who basically have to be babied 24/7 which makes me feel too stupid for help.
Or that I sit down twiddling my thumbs the whole day cause I’m too afraid to ask if I should be doing anything at all cause I assume everything I do is wrong even if I know that’s bull.
I have severe trust issues (especially with myself) so I always expect the worse in everyone which is also fuelled by a lot of “normal” or “happy” thing bringing back traumatic memories so it feels like I can’t live in the happy society they have.
That I can disappear easily without a care from anybody makes me feel like there’s no hope for me to improve and have a basic and normal life, that all I can be is a hollow husk who is technically alive cause I sleep, consume and poop but that all I do until nobody provides me the bare minimum.
Edit I wanted to also add I’ve been misdiagnosed as autistic but I did the test when I was suicidal (tell me if i should edit that out cause of rule 4) at the time so I half assed it but nobody listens or cares.
Also elight comment reminded me of being medically abused by HeadSpace where they were giving me a different antidepressant every week so I’m sure they weren’t working as intended and i don’t think that works for trauma but i was forced to take them cause they threaten me with ECT Electro shock therapy which terrified me and made me afraid of meds unless I’m in extreme pain and that more me running from the pain overpowering my fear of med and psychiatrist
Sounds like you are having a really rough time, especially with trusting yourself and the world around you. And it’s not surprising at all because you’ve been hurt and abused by the medical system.
You mentioned trauma (I assume from childhood), add in the interactions you’ve had with the mental healthcare system that are also traumatic, plus any other current stress you are experiencing – no wonder you are overwhelmed.
Here’s the truth about mental healthcare in the US: you either have to be able to pay out of pocket for a good therapist or qualify for Medicaid and then know how to find a good therapist there (who will likely have a waitlist).
Community mental health centers and crisis centers have their purpose and are really important, but they are not good for healing trauma. You usually need to work with a dedicated and knowledgeable therapist for quite some time to see a difference (again, assuming childhood trauma – I could be wrong).
I understand that it’s really hard to put your trust back into the system, but there are good therapists out there. If you can afford $40-70 per session, check out Open Path Collective. You pay a $60 one-time fee and get access to a lifetime membership where you can pick therapists in your area through a directory.
You can also do work on your own! Here are some suggestions: