Hello all, my daughter is eight years old. She is high functioning autistic. One trouble she has is she will either misunderstand social situation’s or become easily triggered. When these things happen her mind becomes disorganized and she will have meltdowns. She will not be able to gather her thoughts and ends up yelling at the other person (usually her older brother) but not in a way that is not productive to solving the problem…
I have talked to her about calm down techniques, but she is asking if there is ways that people with autism specifically handle these things. I know how I handle them, but I am coming from neurotypical perspective and even though I have done a lot of reading on this topic I feel it would be a good idea to reach out to the community to see if you all have any advice for her.
So what do you all do in a high stress situation where your brain just wants to yell? What helps sooth and calm, sooth, and organize thoughts?
My advise is to try to really understand the details in what causes the trigger. Not just on how it appears on a neurotypical surface level.
Think of it as trying to understand game mechanics.
In the case of social misunderstanding, is it:
Also play close attention to different behavior when facing similar triggers, they can tell a lot about the root issue.
Are there situations where the trigger is present but she does manage. Ask yourself questions why can she/i manage now but not other times.
Once you truly really understand what makes you tik (this can take years as things can have many layers) it becomes much easier to navigate and rationalize your life.
Her main triggers are interactions with her brother, doing chores, or discipline. These things are unfortunately not avoidable. I do try to help mentally prep her for chores and I’m calm with discipline.
My suggestion is for her to look deeper then that.
I ll provide some examples. Of course take in mind i am an adult dad myself so my sense of responsibility and experience with autism is not the same as an 8yo child. Many of the examples have gotten me to “meltdown” though. And of course these examples are personale to me and may not apply to your daughter.
Chores: i am holding something i need to trow in the trash but the trashcan is full.
a robust structure to make sure the trashcans are emptied on a schedule goes a long way in avoiding this
I am sweeping but there are items on the floor.
first check the floor and remove any obstacles may sound so normal it feels silly now but i was already an adult when i learned this and it felt like a magic.
I find myself in need of tool x to do my choir but i cant find it.
collect all required tools and items before proceeding
I neglected to clean the house for to long, the clutter creates massive visual overstimulation. I cant find my cleaning tools between the clutter. I cant remove obstacles from the floor because there is no space left to put them. My mind tells me to just kick and trow everything I perceive as being in my way and just writing this passage in text gives me ptsd flashbacks.
STOP do something else in a sensory calm area. Then ask someone for help to create a centralized empty spot, use this spot like a food plate. Only put on the plate what you can handle. Take more if the plate is empty.
Discipline is more on you then her. Make sure to prioritize the goal, which is to learn from mistakes. Don’t fall into the hole of using the same discipline that works for others. Some people respond well to punishments. I did not, they just made me resent authority. Often i did not understand what i should have done instead or i made an honest mistake. I fared much better with a clear understanding of what exactly happend.
Which brings me to social misunderstandings. I have fought my wife over terminology. I draw a hardline between accidentally causing an accident. And being at fault for something. Simply hearing that someone is at fault when it was a non intentional mistake deeply infuriates me to this day. However mature discussing this with my wife revealed my stance really isn’t all that different from the rest of society. I still believe feeling of guilt and trying to fix damage is in order if ypu make a mistske. Its specifically the words “at fault” or “x hurt y” which my mind perceives as “with intend” I cant really know with her brother but it could be their fights are about similar misunderstanding of some words. It does strike me as an area of opportunity to learn if talking to one person causes a meltdown and another does not.
Some final general advice. Being too overstimulated is almost always a good reason to stop doing something. Pushing yourself to far this way can create dangerous situation and routinely being overstimulated will create a habit of avoidance. Always have a backup space that is low sensory to retreat to. Its much easier to proceed when your head is calm and clear and often the fresh energy will more then make up for lost time.
Good luck, both for your daughter aswell as you her parent. It will often not be easy for either of you. But over time, the gained experience and mutual understanding not only will make things easier but will create opportunities to cultivate her mind to achieve things no neurotypical ever could.