In the thread “Has anyone had a relationship with someone much older when they were younger? How do you feel about it now?” some of the women describe what may legitimately have been abusive relationships. If they were indeed abusive, as is not uncommon even for adults, they have my fullest sympathy.

However as we see in some other comments from that same thread these negative feelings may instead be an artifact of the dogma that society pushes, stating that relationships between adolescents and adults, or even young adults with older ones are inherently creepy and bad.

A number of answers were from women who said they still felt neutral or positively about their former older partner, but who were nonetheless still convinced that the relationship was inherently inappropriate for whatever reason:

Yeah. I sometimes find it hard to reconcile a) the fact I believe the age gap was inappropriate and I don’t support his behaviour but b) I don’t hate him and if we ran into each other I’d probably still feel amiable towards him. I’ve decided it’s probably not unusual to feel that way.

This is just some armchair psychology on my part, but I believe that she feels conflicted because deep down she knows that their relationship was not actually inappropriate. She’s just attached to this idea that the age gap was inherently bad, and this is clashing with the fact that deep down she still feels positively about the relationship.

I had a relationship with someone in his late 20’s when I was 17-18. I don’t have any negative feelings about it at all, maybe because I felt like the more dominant partner at the time, even if that was just a feeling and not reality. With age and distance, I can see it was wrong and he should have drawn a boundary as the older person (at least until I was 18!) but I don’t have negative feelings towards him. He treated me better than I treated him. I was an immature young person on a power trip who brought the type of drama typical for that age and he was a steady easygoing type, so I think I got the better part of that deal in the end, though I will repeat I recognize now that he should not have engaged with someone my age in the first place.

It’s kind of funny yet sad to see someone claim that her partner treated her well while she treated him badly, only to then insist that he was actually in the wrong simply because he didn’t wait one extra year. Irony is truly dead.

My ex was 20 years older than me. Now that I have reached the age my ex was when we met, I realize how creepy it was for him to date someone my age.

No further explanation is given why this was supposedly “creepy”.

Another commenter starts their answer by saying:

I have one, and happily it’s not a gross predatory story, though it was still sus as hell in retrospect. Basically I met this guy when he was 48 and I was 23 […]

She then proceeds to describe a normal relationship with a guy who might arguably just have been somewhat immature, which for some unexplained reason she then labels “sus” despite them both being adults.

The next woman states:

I was 21 and he was 30. Felt nice being the young hot thing and he was a really attractive PhD student. Sex was crap for me until I was 24 and spoke up for myself and what I wanted but I never felt like he was taking advantage or grooming. If you question that relationship now and the dynamic you probably are right in doing so.

Why is questioning “that dynamic” warranted? Who knows.

Irony then proceeds to turn in its grave as a woman who started a relationship with an age gap as an adult chips in to insist that, despite her having a healthy relationship, you should still be wary of age gaps.

I’m in my thirties and have been in an age gap relationship since my late twenties, but while our relationship is healthy and it specifically works for us, I never recommend age gap relationships and I caution against them, particularly for anyone younger than 25. There are a lot of predatory men out there. Not worth it especially if you aren’t experienced in relationships or don’t know how to set boundaries and hold high standards for behavior and values.

I’m repeating myself, but you get the point. So many allusions to some nondescript “inappropriateness” about the age gap (Even for adults!) despite positive memories from their relationships. This is what actual grooming looks like: People being gaslighted into resenting their exes for no reason other than some arbitrary dogma imposed by society. Although the book “We were NOT abused!” by David Riegel focused on man-boy relationships, it feels appropriate to quote it here:

[…] But the vast majority of emotional and psychological harm that occurs is caused not by the relationship itself, but by the interference of outsiders who feel that they must create a punishable perpetrator/victim situation out of a perfectly consensual and benign relationship.

Society would do a monumental service to boys by discarding these artificial restrictions on their right to investigate and enjoy their own sexuality at their own pace, on their own terms, and with companions of their own choosing.