So I’ll be completely honest - my first time was with an escort. If you want to read the story about my virginity hijinx, then read on ahead. Otherwise, you are more than welcome to skip and/or pass judgement at me.
It was proper shady too - the lady looked nothing like her online profile (she looks like a fat old woman, and her profile seems to suggest she is in her 20s), and I didn’t realise I could walk away. That, and at this point I was 31 and desperate to get laid. I pay this lady for 1 hour of her time - please stick a mental pin in it.
So I go into the room she wants me to go into. It is dark af. At this point I’m like “huh, this is how I die. Never could’ve forseen this”
Then the escort with a thick Russian accent told me to take my clothes off. I was so nervous, I stupidly said “all of it??” as if I can have sex in my boxer shorts. Of course she told me to take off the boxer shorts too.
So I’m standing up, butt naked and she’s fiddling my todger like she’s trying to crack a safe. This isn’t going so well.
Next thing, I’m instructed to be on all fours on the bed, bum facing her. She then proceeds to give me a blowjob. A bit weird, but whatever - I’m getting my dick sucked. todaywasagoodday.mp3
Next thing I know, this weird, moist feeling occurs around my butthole. Oh my god. THIS LADY IS RIMMING ME. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS, LIKE AT ALL!!
It felt so weird to have my salad tossed, but honestly it was fucking amazing. This is turning out to be one hell of a first time experience!!
She then tells me to lie down, and then says we are having sex. FINALLY!! What I came here to do! But then she asks me quite possibly the worst question I could hear from an escort.
“Condom or raw?”
I literally blanked for a moment because I was like “wait, no, that’s illegal” until my dumb-dumb brain made me realise no, that shit isn’t illegal, and not only that, but many other guys have diddled her raw and have been spreading god-knows-what.
Since at this point I’m so close to getting laid, I just say “condom” and she puts on a condom and then fucking sits on my dick.
It had got to be the weirdest sensation. I didn’t know what to expect, and I was already a bit conflicted, so my dick may not have been as hard as I was expecting, but it just felt like a space station entering the vast cosmos of space. I felt like my member was so insignificant in comparison to the lady. If anything, I probably walked away thinking my dick was microscopic.
Eventually I start thrusting up (I am a spaceman wanting to explore the cosmos, after all). At this point she is clearly fed up with me thrusting into her and tells me to go missionary.
So I go missionary. All I can say is if there was anyone watching through some secret camera or something, I am so sorry. What you saw was a man flopping around like a fish out of water. I now know sex isn’t exactly dignified, but holy crap that could not look less dignified.
And then I came, the escort told me my time was up and that I needed to shower. Did the shower and left. Checked my watch, and I had only been there for 15 mins.
For those who care about my sex life, I have visited escorts - or should I say I’ve visited one escort that I immensely trust for over a year now. Admittedly, life has been exciting where dating, sex, and escorts are no longer playing the big part, but I’m sure pretty soon it will.
So I’ll be completely honest - my first time was with an escort. If you want to read the story about my virginity hijinx, then read on ahead. Otherwise, you are more than welcome to skip and/or pass judgement at me.
It was proper shady too - the lady looked nothing like her online profile (she looks like a fat old woman, and her profile seems to suggest she is in her 20s), and I didn’t realise I could walk away. That, and at this point I was 31 and desperate to get laid. I pay this lady for 1 hour of her time - please stick a mental pin in it.
So I go into the room she wants me to go into. It is dark af. At this point I’m like “huh, this is how I die. Never could’ve forseen this”
Then the escort with a thick Russian accent told me to take my clothes off. I was so nervous, I stupidly said “all of it??” as if I can have sex in my boxer shorts. Of course she told me to take off the boxer shorts too.
So I’m standing up, butt naked and she’s fiddling my todger like she’s trying to crack a safe. This isn’t going so well.
Next thing, I’m instructed to be on all fours on the bed, bum facing her. She then proceeds to give me a blowjob. A bit weird, but whatever - I’m getting my dick sucked. todaywasagoodday.mp3
Next thing I know, this weird, moist feeling occurs around my butthole. Oh my god. THIS LADY IS RIMMING ME. I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS, LIKE AT ALL!!
It felt so weird to have my salad tossed, but honestly it was fucking amazing. This is turning out to be one hell of a first time experience!!
She then tells me to lie down, and then says we are having sex. FINALLY!! What I came here to do! But then she asks me quite possibly the worst question I could hear from an escort.
“Condom or raw?”
I literally blanked for a moment because I was like “wait, no, that’s illegal” until my dumb-dumb brain made me realise no, that shit isn’t illegal, and not only that, but many other guys have diddled her raw and have been spreading god-knows-what.
Since at this point I’m so close to getting laid, I just say “condom” and she puts on a condom and then fucking sits on my dick.
It had got to be the weirdest sensation. I didn’t know what to expect, and I was already a bit conflicted, so my dick may not have been as hard as I was expecting, but it just felt like a space station entering the vast cosmos of space. I felt like my member was so insignificant in comparison to the lady. If anything, I probably walked away thinking my dick was microscopic.
Eventually I start thrusting up (I am a spaceman wanting to explore the cosmos, after all). At this point she is clearly fed up with me thrusting into her and tells me to go missionary.
So I go missionary. All I can say is if there was anyone watching through some secret camera or something, I am so sorry. What you saw was a man flopping around like a fish out of water. I now know sex isn’t exactly dignified, but holy crap that could not look less dignified.
And then I came, the escort told me my time was up and that I needed to shower. Did the shower and left. Checked my watch, and I had only been there for 15 mins.
For those who care about my sex life, I have visited escorts - or should I say I’ve visited one escort that I immensely trust for over a year now. Admittedly, life has been exciting where dating, sex, and escorts are no longer playing the big part, but I’m sure pretty soon it will.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I’m laughing I’m crying I’m a little turned on. This story has everything. Definitely a memorable experience! And hey, you did it!!
Thank you! Thank you!
I can now add to my CV that I made a man laugh, cry, and pop a boner at the same time.
Try beating that one, future candidates of checks notes software developers 😎😎😎😎