Ever since I was a child I was afraid of getting older and dying. It has been in the back of my mind for most of my life.
I had phases were this fear was not really around and then phases where it is the only thing I can think of. Ever since Corona it has gotten worse and worse. It just struck me one day while playing video games with my friends. Suddenly I was like “I WILL die one day. I will not be anymore … forever. I won’t even know that I am not anymore.” and I broke down pretty much immediately.
What followed was a phase of everlasting fear and anxiety. It was so bad that I just couldn’t fall asleep unless I watched comedy until was physically not able to stay awake. Back then I thought it was a result of the isolation of Corona. Since then I moved back in with my mother (due to different reasons). Everything was fine for a while but now it is back.
I should be happy. I handed in my bachelor’s thesis a while back, will soon move out again and have gotten a job in my dream career. I finished my therapy and while I am still not completely over my social anxiety but it is getting better and better. And yet the fear was never as bad. Last night I cowered into a ball under my desk and started crying.
It has gotten to a point were I thought about killing myself to end it. It is the same result either way. I won’t remember anything anyway. Even the pain and grief friends and family would feel is only temporary. They too will be gone with everything that made them up one day.
I have no intentions of going through with it but it frightens me that I even think like this.
I don’t know were this is coming from. Maybe from the feeling that I am wasting my life, that I am a failure and too far behind peers, that I am too old to have so little but I also know that it’s not like I could have done a lot better. Due to circumstances outside of my own control I am were I am right now but I am doing my best to get better. It’s just that it takes a lot of time and I fear that it takes too much time. I also lost a good friend recently so this probably plays into it as well.
Is there anyway of changing my way of thinking about death? I know I can’t change the fact that I will die but how can I accept it without falling into existential nihilism like I currently am?
Edit: I also already called my therapist but since it’s the weekend they won’t answer before Monday.
Hey comrade! I think I somewhat understand the way you are feeling. In the past years I have been dealing with some panic attacks and anxiety over it. The best approach is going to therapy, but in my case what really helps is trying to not think about it, focusing on the good things around you. Even though that normally is bad advice, in this case I think is different since death is inevitable, it will come one way or another, its out our control. This creates a void that chases us, a darkness that is ever present, I know this feeling is horrifying, but there is no changing it, so thinking a lot about it only feeds the void making it bigger and stronger.
I hope you can find solace eventually and learn to accept this, since I believe there is no cure for the darkness, but learning to live with it makes it easier to carry on. Maybe I’m full of shit and you do find a solution. Who knows.
In any case, remember that you are good for the world, and we never know what the future holds. Who knows if maybe even a revolution. Try to stay as long as possible, you want every chance of not missing that out.
Stay strong and stay safe comrade, best of luck.