Sorry, I’m not well known, and I haven’t been around much lately. I’ll make this quick.
I need to clear my head. My obsession with the online, combined with my constant angry nature, is causing my mental state to rapidly deteriorate. So much has happened in the past three days, and its causing me to lose my mind emotionally. I touched a bottle today, I’ve done that but twice.
My ban from Hexbear hit me more than I realized, and I’ve been using both Hexbear and Lemmygrad as a dopamine mine. I get into fights now purely for someone to talk to me, to respond, to acknowledge me, to hate me. It feels good to go back and forth like that. Thats not even talking about the embarrassing amount of hours I’ve spent refreshing the notifications, or looking for mentions of myself. I had become too in my own head, I have begun seeing my influence as a way to make me more popular not to teach or help, and that isn’t communist of me in the slightest. Its not healthy or good in the slightest. Its plain bad. Its been like this since August. If it continues it will get worse. My reckless drugged up debating led directly to my Hexbear ban, and although I do disagree with them, the fault ultimately lies with me. It would have been easy to ignore (well, at least the last one), but I jumped the gun for that hit that got me in trouble in the first place.
I wish I could learn to take the easy way, I always end up having it done the hard way.
I hope its nothing serious, and that I’ll be back soon. Maybe I’ll pop in once or twice. I hope not though, until I feel better. I have hope that if I stick to it, become more active offline, I’ll find better coping mechanisms. If I find better coping mechanisms, then I can use this site in a more healthy way when I come back. I will be coming back, that’s for sure.
Although, If I’m able to get my account temp banned (as I have recently requested from a certain grain consuming particularly large rodent), this would mean I have been officially banned at least once from every social media site I have ever been on. From Numotic banning me from lemmy, to Webtoons banning me for defense of the DPRK, to discord for being in too many “extremist” servers, to AO3 for my harassment of this one sex pest bastard (he was being a pedo, they all were, China should glass that site), to twitter for my anti-monarchist stance, and several more. That’s funny to me.
If you want to reach me for whatever reason, I can be found on the Lemmygrad Matrix server.
Mahalo, Comrades, and Aloha
We are in a somewhat similar position, if you read this comment. It can get a little ranty.
I hold onto some disagreements with grad over men’s rights and western feminism, so I no longer talk as much here, purely out of respect for this place, until views align, or I get discussion without the labelling, or some middle ground possibly gets established eventually over time. I expect that, because absurdity on both redpill and bluepill sides is becoming obvious, and is not the gender war its manufactured out to be. This happened even on Lemmy, and hexbear banned my Lemmy account for it. But I try to help grad covertly, and help the political discourse by both online talk and by trying to disseminate leftist facts as peptalk to family and friends, and deradicalise away the “western” love they have. Even managed to grind gears of an old family member yesterday when she said lower class workers and maids are happiest due to using social media and not buying things, by giving her a nice 2 minute lecture on how capitalism creates advertisements, its psychological roots (she is a psychologist lol, me giving her lessons on Freud’s theories and Edward Bernays) and how the happiest people are the ones who are healthy and rich in terms of free time, and who do not get their time eaten by these capitalist structures and machines.
I am beginning to hate the internet, and am realising internet people simply do not matter in the long run. The “copium” of internet community can last only so long (internet’s Golden Age happened pre-2010, post-Golden Age has ended now), and you need to have a rocksolid offline life of your own with the power of being able to disconnect at your own will at any time. Even better if you champion solitary lifestyle with minimal or no dependence on external friends or relations, and even family, with being able to not go clinically insane.
I have done enough for the privacy community, keep pushing back on the security extremists evangelising FOSS community with Big Tech love, and almost nobody supports me in pushing back against these assholes. It does not matter that I documented 5 years of evidence tirelessly, selflessly and with no fucks given for donations, money or my own life and sanity and sometimes even sleep. Nobody fucking listens to me. No critical support, and I end up being mislabelled purposely (narcissists create lies to smear and gaslight as self-defense cope) by these GrapheneOS loonies as a conspiracy privacy extremist, just for actually ending up advocating proper way to live a r/privatelife. I have tried telling Lemmy admins, they both sided me. I fucking want to unmod myself from Lemmy’s privacy and technology communities, because I get no critical backbone support. Fuck this shit. FUCK! I am angry and pissed I literally am the near perfect person on the internet that FOSS community would want as an internet militant that defends the FOSS and privacy principles on the frontlines.
Ugh, sorry I think I made this a thing about me…
But let me just say it concisely, this lack of empathy from all sides, no internet support, a very silent lonely solitude life I cause by holing myself up away from society to want peace and fix myself, only to end up with moments where I fucking hear silence itself (no tinnitus), an absolute survivalist soul and mind literally made up of steel, being a narcissist-detecting truth teller with foresight all my life… I do not even want to speak of the fucking sad life I live. I am just so strong, resilient and potent that I continue to not break, and even “carry the water” for others selflessly. Maybe if I went clinically insane, maybe someone would help me out of pity or I off myself out of fun or spite. I do not even fucking know what has gotten into me because I have never typed shit like this publicly. WTF. Why does my soul just never break to end the cycle altogether? Is there a purpose to all this? Is there a destiny for me that disallows me to, like the Groundhog Day movie?
I never tell anyone of the pain I live with, I tell no one and keep it to myself like the most naturally Stoic gigachad you could find. And its not like I am ugly. I have been told by both offline friends and online friends and acquaintances that I am wasting my potential by not getting a girlfriend I easily could, being really good looking, both face and physique, the cleanest and most brutally honest motherfucking soul everyone around them knows, being the helper and whatever else. Maybe I was too nice in life, but I am not sure if I even became a doormat. I carry. I carry, I lead, I just fucking carry for everyone with a back that never breaks. I am a fucking donkey. The biggest idiot to embrace this planet.
Sorry to whoever reads this fucking bullshit I wrote for no reason. I just never break on the inside, and end up vomiting like this.
If it helps at all, even thought I disagree with you on feminism etc. here. I really appreciate your posts in privacy and FOSS communities. Especially when it comes to GrapheneOS.
Thanks for the gratitude. That well is so dried up in this world. Gratitude givers have chosen to become gatekeepers with selective preference. Perhaps whoever said it, said it the best - value of some things and people is only known after they go away. If my mind flipped I’d just desert the internet altogether at some point, as I see no point in just giving and not receiving even gratitude, and its not like I see much value in the internet with transactional interactions.
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