cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/1585366
One of my good friends tried to take her life last week. I happened to be over hanging out with one of her roommates when her gf came out and said ‘we need to get her to the hospital like now,’ and I volunteered to drive.
My crisis response is typically to get very robotic and problem solve about the events at hand. I had the thought “I am going to need to cry about this in about a week,” but otherwise stayed focused on supporting the two of them. Later that night, I took care of my bf because he was really triggered by everything too.
While a few friends have sat with me and kept me company when I’ve asked, for the most part no one has been proactive about checking in on me. Today and yesterday, my feelings have finally caught up to me and I’ve felt really sad and overwhelmed—more or less on schedule. with my original prediction.
I have been having a lot of whiplash between the incredible support our community has had for our friend, and my frustration about feeling isolated now. I am worried that actually people are making some effort that way and that I am just being receptive enough to it and feeling guilty about feeling sad wrong.
My own hurt and frustration are started to transfer into anger at my friend for doing something so traumatizing right now when I had already been having a difficult time. It feels like a lot of the progress I have been making on feeling more secure and self-sufficient have been undercut by this round of insecurity and isolation. I have done a better job of asking for help than I have in past times when I have been upset, I just wish people gave it proactively when they knew I was upset. It is a cruel thing to blame my friend for the response of our community. It is a cruel thing to be mad (upset is okay!) at my community for not saving energy for my delayed emotional response when hey there is a big crisis that happened and used up lots of people’s energy.
I am seeking advice on letting go of these bitter feelings.
It’s traumatizing and therapy would be helpful.
But know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, etc. Your emotions are valid.
As for the isolation, people may think you’re “tough” and handling it well. You may have to actively reach out and confirm that you are not.
I second Taco’s suggestion and echo the sentiment. I can’t remember the proper jargon off the top of my head, but there’s a named concept and therapeutic interventions specifically designed for individuals who are surrounding folks primarily experiencing a health crisis. It’s often considered in the context of terminally ill relatives or spouses, though I think it’s generally applicable. There is undoubtedly substantial work done on helping those close to someone in a mental health crisis—especially parents of a child with a mental illness—but again I think much of it will apply to you. It’s hard to work through this sort of thing alone. If it’s at all possible for you, finding a professional who will focus specifically on you and your concerns—instead of asking already emotionally burned-out others trying to support the person with the primary issue—would be greatly beneficial for you. Additionally, try contacting any friends you may have that don’t know this friend of yours for similar reasons. People only have so much emotional support to give and anyone already involved in this situation will see supporting your friend as trumping supporting your secondary reaction to your friend’s traumatic experience, even though your concerns and difficulties are completely valid. I’m imagining you ultimately feel that way too though, so don’t consider them too harshly.
It’s ok to feel these feelings, it doesn’t make you a bad person, or a bad friend. It’s ok to feel hurt. This is a hurtful act your friend did, but it isn’t a personal one. They’re struggling with their own inner demons and had a moment of weakness, they didn’t do this to hurt their friends (even if it does hurt a lot). I would recommend just trying to continue things as normal, don’t let this be a huge interruption to your life, stick to your usual routine after you’ve let those feelings out (personally, privately, don’t blow up at your friend). You might need to spend some time not talking to them, you might not. You know yourself best, just allow yourself to feel, including feeling hurt. I had a similar experience about 6 months ago and it was extremely rough for all of us, but we’re doing much better now, and their mental issues are much better than they were.
