I currently live in my parents basement and have not left the house or talked to anyone IRL for almost 2 years at this point. I’m serious, I just go upstairs at night and to eat food and then come back down during the day so we never have the chance to interact with each other. sometimes when they are away they leave me a note to feed the dogs so on those days I can stay upstairs during the day, but I usually dont because the sunlight is much brighter than I’m used to. I didn’t use social media at all in the past 3 or so years with the exception of joining this site 2 days ago. I dont know why I’m still alive, I’d already decided I wanted to end my life when I locked myself in here all that time ago yet I continue to hesitate, and I’m not quite sure why. Fear of death? Fear of hurting my family more than I already have? Fear of failing any crippling myself in the process? I really cannot say for sure. If you’ve never experienced such isolation before be glad you haven’t, It is truly maddening, I can feel my cognitive faculties diminishing with each passing week, and the prospect of life ever changing becomes increasingly unfathomable the longer this goes on.

Before all this I was attending a decently prestigious collage, got in with my high SAT scores even though my hs grades sucked. I had talked to quite a few different medical professionals and therapists, been diagnosed with Autism, MDD and ADHD by different people. I tried so many different medications and treatments that I have lost count. Eventually I just gave up, I was attending a college I didn’t pick to appease my parents who were trying desperately to give me direction in life but there simply was no motivation, no passion for anything and it was exhausting. With hindsight I wish I had the strength to continue at the time because losing your sanity in isolation is so much worse. often times the world around me feels as though it isn’t even real anymore, as though I already died and this is all in my head. The last moments of time always marching towards but never reaching brain death and you end up living on forever (from you own prospective) in your own head. rationally I realize this probably isn’t true but it certainly feels that way. The only thing preserving my remaining sanity is video games and youtube. I have played so many games and I keep replaying them because my memory is shot at this point and I rarely remember anything past 6 months. you probably cant fix me but it is nice to get this off my chest, the only other time I had the chance to lay my thoughts down like this was when I wrote a suicide note to keep for when the time comes, so thank you for giving me a place to unload even if you perhaps meant it as a joke.