I’ve posted here a lot about my mental health, I lost basically everything, I have no one I can talk to, my car is wrecked, I have less than 100 bucks in my bank account, while I have housing their are problems that make it not the best. I have 1k in debt.
In terms of my housing, I lived with some members a activist group for a bit, but they got too extreme the the point where they think me wanting to pay of my debt, save up for a car is individualist and me wanting to go college is carrierist.
Another thing is I’m an unattractive trans fem, que transphobia, I know y’all are gonna laugh like hell when I blow my brains out, some of y’all might be like THIS IS THE Consequences OF GENDER IDEOLOGY.
I just really don’t see a way forward at all, I felt like there isn’t much for me in this world anymore. Everytime I call a suicide hotline I get the dumbest most braindead advice like do an activity I enjoy as if that changes any of the material conditions of my life.
My plan is to have a dead switch, so when I do die 911 is called to help avoid any unnecessary trauma. It’s crazy to think 22 years ends like this.
I shit my pants and locked my keys in my work truck and blocked the entrance to a gas station on a hot day in L.A once and nobody spoke English. Watery diarrhea running down my leg and I’m sweating while a bunch of men in work trucks yell at me in Spanish. Sun beating down ok me.
Anyway. Life can change fast. And when your at the bottom it can change for the better fast. I locked myself out of my car and pooped my pants cause I felt a great force trying to rush me into a decision. Had I slowed down I might have just shit myself and been able to escape. Take your time here, don’t kill yourself. You can do that later. You shit yourselve, don’t make it worse by locking yourself out of your life.