And let this fucked up world have another win? Fuck that. You’re stronger than that. If for no other reason, keep going out of spite in the face of everything you stand against. You can only be a middle finger to life’s bullshit if you live.

Depression has a way of creating tunnel vision, friend. This post is a great example. I don’t say that to attack you. I say that hopefully to give you a minute to perhaps consider this.

Like you know Romeo and Juliet how she kills herself when she thought he was dead and he wasn’t and then he… You get what Im saying? Your feelings are like Shakespeare old. Not trying to invalidate, trying to e-hug ya.

Sounds like you’re running with a dumb crowd tbh. WTF is “careerist” is that like where you try to make life comfortable for yourself? You monster!!! Im kidding.

You said your trans. Are you on any medication with regard to that?

I know $1000 debt feels like a lot. You can overcome that. easily. It might feel like you need to find $1000 in 30 days or else!!! But you can breathe and figure out a plan. It’s ok.

Please don’t let the assholes who make you feel like shit manage to outlive you. You’re the kind of person I want living a long, happy life. Is there a short term goal you can sieze upon to just hold on a bit longer?

There’s an election coming up. Your vote matters more than it ever has before. Is there anyone you justifiably despise? Plan to dance on their grave. Don’t give into despair. Maybe get fucking mad about something, grab hold, and fight like hell.

If you are going to end your life, maybe consider taking a big life change and see what happens. Unsure what as like you said, you have limited funds, but I encourage you to explore even ridiculous options as what do you have to loose if you are considering loosing everything anyways? Like maybe there is a place on the other side of the planet that needs volunteers and will provide room and board.

"Thing will get worse. Then better. Then worse. Then better again.

This is life; and I’ll not lie to you and say that every day will be filled with sunshine.

But there will be sunshine, and that is a very different thing to say. That is truth.

I promise you, you will be warm again."

I know this might not help, but I’m a survivor of a suicide attempt and now know that there is hope and there is help. It just took facing my lowest point to discover it. (I’ve also been a part of the LGBTQ+ community since back when we had to refer to each other as “Family” or “Friend of Dorothy” so I really hope this helps you.)

Please reach out to local LGBTQ+ groups for advice and assistance. If you’re in the USA, apply for Medicaid and get into counseling asap (they’ll backpay from the date the application is submitted), apply for food stamps and section 8 housing. There’s shelters specifically for Trans persons, because many shelters will shun those that don’t follow bio gender. Food banks are amazing and they also have resources. Shoot your story to Point of Pride; which helps save and improve lives in the trans community.

https://www.instagram.com/pointofprideorg?igsh=MTk2aDJ6cTAwZDBmdA==

Well according to https://youtu.be/d6iQrh2TK98?t=723 you should make decisions after you’ve experience 37% of possibilities, and assuming you’re in the US, the avg. lifespan is gonna be ~75 years -> 37% of 75 is 27 and 3/4. So mathematically speaking you should wait 5-6 more years just to make sure you didn’t miss something.

I… don’t know if this is any help at fucking all. But I tried to commit suicide at 23. Felt much the same, about having nothing; thousands in debt, shite housing situation, no car, no income, no degree, felt like I had no future, the works.

I regret it. The suicide attempt. Not because I lived, but because my own perspective restricted me from seeing how my material conditions could be overcome. Mental and social conditions are still pretty fucked. Not by “HURR HURR PULL YOURSELF UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS”, but by simply… abandoning the norms I had internalized from youth. Spoke to government services for assistance. Didn’t pay my debts on time, but when I could. Accepted that I wasn’t gonna be able to 100% it on my own.

I don’t know if it’s viable for you. But… the mindset I emerged with from my suicide attempt was “Fuck it, suicide is the method of last resort. I might as well try literally everything else first.” It’s… helped. And I don’t think the lasting injuries, PTSD, and intensified anxiety from the suicide attempt were a necessary ingredient in the revelation.

I was literally in your position mentally and practically situationally just a brief bit of time ago. The situation isn’t fixed yet but my mental state has rebounded to a much better equilibrium.

So I say to you, having just been through the darkest period of my life, you can make it through. I didn’t think I could this time. It really fucking felt like I couldn’t.

But I just kept saying to myself give it another day and see what happens. The days still sucked for a good stretch still but then things got brighter and brighter.

Is everything now sunshine and rainbows? Not even fucking close. But does it feel like there’s still hope? For sure. There is. I just had to stick around long enough to realize there is.

So I get where you’re coming from. I do. Shit looks fucked right now. Like there’s no upside to anything . No hope. No future. No peace. No happiness.

Yet there almost certainly is to each of those things. It’s just impossible to see right now.

Stay around for a little longer. See how things look then.

And as a final thought here’s a mantra my best friend likes to live by and I have come to adopt as well.

The only real way out is through.

No chintzy words are going to change how you feel. All that you’re going through? It’s a struggle. It’s very real. I get not wanting to keep going.

The only thing I’ll ask of you is, when you’re at that end, when you’re ready to pull that trigger, just pause. 10 minutes. If you can find someone to talk to, or something to do, even better. Just give it 10 more minutes. Enjoy a last cigarette if you smoke. Hell, maybe try one if you don’t. You’ve lasted 22 years, what’s 10 more minutes, right?

If you want to talk, seriously from the bottom of my heart - hit me up. I don’t have pretty words for you to swallow. I don’t think you need pretty words. I think you need real, human connection, and I can promise that to you.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There IS hope for you. I promise. I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you coming from a stranger, but you do matter. Maybe it seems like you don’t matter right now to anyone, and maybe right now you don’t- but I promise that you WILL matter to someone who will love you very much.

Try and hang in there for them. And be patient- they’re on their way.

Lastly, There is always hope. Sometimes it’s not where you want expect it to be, but it’s there.

I know this is vague, but I can’t tell you how things will go for you because I don’t know your situation, but I absolutely can tell you how things will go if you don’t.

Please live.

You might not have anyone close to you to talk to right now, but you did choose to post here and because of that you’re not alone. I’ll talk to ya for as long as you need to if you want. I don’t have any experience with the trans part, but I’ve been homeless with absolutely nothing before - by all rights I shouldn’t even be here, but I am.

Many of us have been in some variation of your situation and most of us make it back to some semblance of a normal life. It’s hard to not give in to despair but it doesn’t have to be impossible. I’m not going to say you’re too young to give in to that despair because I know that shit doesn’t help, but things do change when one gets older. The perspective can be refreshing.

I would never dream of framing your individual struggle in terms of ideology. All that stuff is secondary to you.

You have the right to do this. I wish you wouldn’t though.

One thing I know is that dopamine makes life bearable, by producing positive emotion and acting as a literal painkiller. Also, that dopamine is released any time the brain perceives you are moving toward a valued goal.

I think that if you’re open to trying one last thing before the finality of that gunshot wound, you might want to try helping others who are in a similar situation as you.

ANY kind of pain or suffering becomes meaningful if you vow that you will use it as input for a process by which you help others. With the hell you’ve been through, you would make a great counselor, social worker, or therapist.

I know in my own mental health journey, I’ve felt alienated and misunderstood by therapists who don’t seem to understand how much pain I’m in, or that such levels of pain even exist.

But then other times, I know I’m working with someone who has, themselves, suffered deeply. Who knows how bad it can get.

That can be you. You can turn all this misery into the backstory of how and why you became a therapist. You can help other people who’ve (a) been surrounded by extremists and had their perspective warped, (b) made drastic changes to themselves that they now regret.

If I’m reading you correctly, you are not happy with how your mtf transition has gone. But you also did not have the option of not doing it. You felt compelled by circumstance to try.

Now compare that experience to someone who feels honor bound to join a gang, for whom life is unbearable unless they make the plunge into a new group full of meaning. Now imagine they cover themselves head to toe in tattoos, altering their appearance forever in full dedication to their new path, and then the gang gets decimated in a war. Their tattoos gain them entrance nowhere, their brothers for whom they gave up their normal body are gone.

Can you imagine how they would feel? Yes you can, because you’ve been through something similar

Now imagine that person needs help. They need a therapist who can truly understand their pain. Imagine a soldier who went to afghanistan, transformed himself into a killer, maybe shot some innocent civilians because for a moment they appeared to be attacking his convoy. He can never go back to being an innocent person. His old life, his old self, is gone. He feels completely trapped in his new reality, and every day he feels a black despair, a hopeless dull pain that makes it impossible to take a deep breath, and his mind races, looking for a way out of his bind, and he knows that there is none because he went down a one-way road.

Imagine him trying to find a therapist who understands that pain. You could be that therapist, because you understand that pain.

Maybe, before you kill yourself, you should consider that your suffering is now something you own, and that you can give others an ear that few people can.

And I promise that if you can find a way to orient yourself toward a goal that matters deeply — far more deeply than “pay off my debts” or “bring on the revolution”, something like “be there for the other people who have suffered like I have” — then it will reduce your suffering and plant the seeds for some real joy.

Fuck doing something you enjoy. Those anti-suicide lines are apparently staffed by incredibly naive people, and for that I’m sorry. You are no longer naive, and that means you have something those idiots on the phone do not. You have the ability to empathize and connect with people whose lives are so deeply fucked that death seems to be the only way out.

The closer you’ve been to the abyss, the more you can help. See what I’m saying?

Fuck doing something you EnJoY. What saccharine horseshit to tell a person in a place as dark as the one you’re in now. Instead, do something meaningful.

It could be lots of things. Whatever matters to you. But just imagine for a second if you met another person with a history similar to your own. Imagine the relief in them when they realize that you can see them in a way nobody else can. Would you like to maybe try doing that? Being the therapist who’s been so deeply fucked they can actually help those who are deeply fucked?

You can do that. And there’s no downside. Maybe you try volunteering as a counselor or coach in a local org, and see where it takes you. And if it doesn’t work, you still have the option to leave.

I shit my pants and locked my keys in my work truck and blocked the entrance to a gas station on a hot day in L.A once and nobody spoke English. Watery diarrhea running down my leg and I’m sweating while a bunch of men in work trucks yell at me in Spanish. Sun beating down ok me.

Anyway. Life can change fast. And when your at the bottom it can change for the better fast. I locked myself out of my car and pooped my pants cause I felt a great force trying to rush me into a decision. Had I slowed down I might have just shit myself and been able to escape. Take your time here, don’t kill yourself. You can do that later. You shit yourselve, don’t make it worse by locking yourself out of your life.