Not for a lack of trying, I assure you. It’s just that no matter how hard I try, my mind won’t accept it.
The thought of life and existence being ultimately meaningless (Something else my mind fights against, despite knowing it’s true) is too much of a blow to my psyche to overcome and look at light-heartedly.
I’m just so desperate to have a purpose and meaning in my life, but at the same time I can’t sincerely believe in any religion or afterlife. I try to “live in the moment” and “be happy and make others happy”, but it just isn’t enough. I need something more.
Edit: Thank you everyone for their responses so far, I do read them all. They give me something to ponder and think about, maybe even leading to a solution.
Life-hack: Whenever the ennui comes knocking, just start speculating about alien life intelligent or otherwise, you’ll either scare or awe yourself out of that depressive feeling, at least that’s what I do
alternatively, rationalize that your ennui isn’t because there’s no way to have meaning, but that you are experiencing depression and your ability to find motivation or purpose is being severely hampered by neurological and bodily differences which are making everything super hard for you, leading you to rationalize your own misery as being caused by a lack of meaning when in reality it’s because everything just sucks and you can’t vocalize or even notice most of the factors in that and tbh thinking it’s because of a lack of true meaning is understandable given how weird the whole brain thing is