I went out for most of the day with a long time friend, talked about lots of stuff, good food, good sun, good walk… but not long after that ended - still feeling really on the edge of something in the background.
emo rambling
Fragile and unmoored and yearning for seeming opposites: security and change, belonging and independence, careful analysis and spontaneity, work and rest… really odd place to be in. Writing down a to do list to gather my thoughts into action sends me into a spiral…
I’ve put some calming ambient music on headphones and am going back into some paper books for a while. “See if it gets better tomorrow morning” is not something I can rely on forever though.
I once had an ex tell me my mind was like a machine with sharp teeth and soft lips, it was powerful but also dangerous; it always needed to be chewing on something substantial or it would very soon start chewing itself, very painfully. This was 8 years ago, you’d think I would’ve found lasting ways to deal with it by now.
But every so often I’d feel like my brain reset itself and I have to relearn some things from scratch and make sure the right programs boot up in sequence. I guess this is one of those times again. Sigh. This is so tedious and my current psych isn’t able or willing to go there. In fact I think she’s kind of gently suggested I see someone else for a different modality. Gotta start the ride again.
This resonates with me in a pretty significant way, and I suspect some of the things you mentioned resonate with a lot of people. I hope you find your way to what feels right for you soon. I hope we both do.
Thank you for the lovely comment! I feel like I’ve fallen and gotten up again enough times that I know I’ll make it through and find something that feels right - this time without the massive shackles from before of visas and all that jazz - but it’s the TEDIUM of the brain-wipe that is exasperating. And not always predicting what stressful situation prompts that.
more thoughts
I realise maybe there’s an art to recognising and sitting with transitions - both the concrete external kind (eg moving house, leaving a job, ending a relationship, diagnosis with an illness) and the more nebulous, internal kind (eg when you realise you’ve fallen in or out of love, or outgrown a way of life, or feel a calling towards a new mission, and so on).
I think I am OK with processing the former, but am still learning to follow my instincts with the latter and not push it aside. If I don’t acknowledge what is changing in me, and give myself the time and space, it short circuits my brain 🤔 and I must reestablish my values and intentions - followed up with actions - so that I don’t feel so unsteady and conflicted.
Living and working alone has its pros and cons in terms of working through internal transitions, and this time I’d like to go into this next phase a lot more aware of how to move with where I feel ready to go to but not let it sink me. Keeping some routines, ensuring I’ve always got food, make sure someone checks in on me every week at least.
And an idea I saw elsewhere - have a “menu” of items that fulfill different sensory, relationship or purpose based needs on hand for when it all feels too difficult.
I’m not sure if any of that is in any way helpful, but your response did prompt some insights so thank you again for encouraging me to think!
More thought is often good thought. But not always. Seems like you’ve invented your own version of a Rite of Passage - a formal bookending of a … a … a … period in your life. Dunno how to put it more succinctly or accurately.
Whatever works for you. Rites of Passage are not always easy - that’s not the point. The point is to underline an ending of a plateau, and kickstart but not complete the steps needed to move to the next level. Which can involve climbing mountains. Mental and physical. It’s just fine to grieve for the past if there’s good stuff there that you are leaving behind, but the real task is to step forward into the future. This requires courage. Which you have in abundance. I have great faith in you.
Thank you for your wise and very genuinely encouraging words o wise Witch of the North. (Not meant to be condescending at all just to be clear - I hold your opinions in high esteem!)
That next step is definitely feeling wobbly and into a great unknown and part of me craves just a bit more stability at this age. I sometimes bitterly envy people who have a safety net of secure family (original or found/created) but that’ll do me no good, gotta work with what I have.
I do feel more settled after writing down those thoughts and also doing a bit of a spring clean with the clothes. Sometimes, seasonal rituals and actions are very helpful when all else seems uncertain. Clear out the old and let in the new ✨
I once had an ex tell me my mind was like a machine with sharp teeth and soft lips, it was powerful but also dangerous; it always needed to be chewing on something substantial or it would very soon start chewing itself, very painfully.
This so… poignant. I think I’ll be mulling this for some time…
For myself, my brain has been the most challenged it has been this year and it’s only in the last month or so that I’ve regained some calm that it almost seems both alien and too good to be true… but today I’m on the emo train.
I reach for the calming ambient music and headphones also, but it too has its limitations. Grateful nonetheless as it has gotten me through some tough times. Sending positive energy.
I went out for most of the day with a long time friend, talked about lots of stuff, good food, good sun, good walk… but not long after that ended - still feeling really on the edge of something in the background.
emo rambling
Fragile and unmoored and yearning for seeming opposites: security and change, belonging and independence, careful analysis and spontaneity, work and rest… really odd place to be in. Writing down a to do list to gather my thoughts into action sends me into a spiral…
I’ve put some calming ambient music on headphones and am going back into some paper books for a while. “See if it gets better tomorrow morning” is not something I can rely on forever though.
I once had an ex tell me my mind was like a machine with sharp teeth and soft lips, it was powerful but also dangerous; it always needed to be chewing on something substantial or it would very soon start chewing itself, very painfully. This was 8 years ago, you’d think I would’ve found lasting ways to deal with it by now.
But every so often I’d feel like my brain reset itself and I have to relearn some things from scratch and make sure the right programs boot up in sequence. I guess this is one of those times again. Sigh. This is so tedious and my current psych isn’t able or willing to go there. In fact I think she’s kind of gently suggested I see someone else for a different modality. Gotta start the ride again.
This resonates with me in a pretty significant way, and I suspect some of the things you mentioned resonate with a lot of people. I hope you find your way to what feels right for you soon. I hope we both do.
Thank you for the lovely comment! I feel like I’ve fallen and gotten up again enough times that I know I’ll make it through and find something that feels right - this time without the massive shackles from before of visas and all that jazz - but it’s the TEDIUM of the brain-wipe that is exasperating. And not always predicting what stressful situation prompts that.
more thoughts
I realise maybe there’s an art to recognising and sitting with transitions - both the concrete external kind (eg moving house, leaving a job, ending a relationship, diagnosis with an illness) and the more nebulous, internal kind (eg when you realise you’ve fallen in or out of love, or outgrown a way of life, or feel a calling towards a new mission, and so on).
I think I am OK with processing the former, but am still learning to follow my instincts with the latter and not push it aside. If I don’t acknowledge what is changing in me, and give myself the time and space, it short circuits my brain 🤔 and I must reestablish my values and intentions - followed up with actions - so that I don’t feel so unsteady and conflicted.
Living and working alone has its pros and cons in terms of working through internal transitions, and this time I’d like to go into this next phase a lot more aware of how to move with where I feel ready to go to but not let it sink me. Keeping some routines, ensuring I’ve always got food, make sure someone checks in on me every week at least.
And an idea I saw elsewhere - have a “menu” of items that fulfill different sensory, relationship or purpose based needs on hand for when it all feels too difficult.
I’m not sure if any of that is in any way helpful, but your response did prompt some insights so thank you again for encouraging me to think!
Some thoughts on the above.
spoiler
More thought is often good thought. But not always. Seems like you’ve invented your own version of a Rite of Passage - a formal bookending of a … a … a … period in your life. Dunno how to put it more succinctly or accurately.
Whatever works for you. Rites of Passage are not always easy - that’s not the point. The point is to underline an ending of a plateau, and kickstart but not complete the steps needed to move to the next level. Which can involve climbing mountains. Mental and physical. It’s just fine to grieve for the past if there’s good stuff there that you are leaving behind, but the real task is to step forward into the future. This requires courage. Which you have in abundance. I have great faith in you.
Thank you for your wise and very genuinely encouraging words o wise Witch of the North. (Not meant to be condescending at all just to be clear - I hold your opinions in high esteem!)
That next step is definitely feeling wobbly and into a great unknown and part of me craves just a bit more stability at this age. I sometimes bitterly envy people who have a safety net of secure family (original or found/created) but that’ll do me no good, gotta work with what I have.
I do feel more settled after writing down those thoughts and also doing a bit of a spring clean with the clothes. Sometimes, seasonal rituals and actions are very helpful when all else seems uncertain. Clear out the old and let in the new ✨
This so… poignant. I think I’ll be mulling this for some time…
For myself, my brain has been the most challenged it has been this year and it’s only in the last month or so that I’ve regained some calm that it almost seems both alien and too good to be true… but today I’m on the emo train.
I reach for the calming ambient music and headphones also, but it too has its limitations. Grateful nonetheless as it has gotten me through some tough times. Sending positive energy.