politically i feel fucking high, like, this is the type of week that reminds me why i follow politics (in a jokerfied way). i’m not inside the great satan so really this only affects me through watching libs become disillusioned on the internet. the despair in me says that somehow none of these will stick and nobody’s getting radicalized, but the meltdown is fun at least. plus, usamerican will be be more likely to give a shit about the world for a few years and trump’s admin might get us closer to peace in ukraine (which is a lot more relevant to my area lol)

but on the personal side of things, i continue to be fucking useless. this job won’t hold out for another year and i’m desperately trying to apply to PhDs to actually do some good in the world, but my god i’m awful without a clear, set deadline, which these don’t have. i’ve always done everything the night before it was due and now i’m looking at blank pages and just… not filling them. for night after night i do NOTHING. i don’t even play video games or sew or do the things i actually enjoy, i just have to sit around despairing that i’m not doing what i need to and want to. people have been telling me to get adhd tested for a literal decade, and this is the first time i kind of regret not listening (a guy at work says he knows someone who could sell me some adderal, but thats Very Illegal here and also idk…). personally i don’t think i’m adhd, i’m pretty sure i’m just a lazy bastard who’s never had to try academically, but still, any advantage might be nice 🙃

plus, i’ve now learnt that doing anything (like getting into a phd) when you have a dayjob SUCKS. my job is a scam tbh but even so, my noctural ass is having mad trouble staying up past midnight, and turning to energy drinks to fix it seems like its me immune to energy drinks. it just feel like theres infinitely less time in the day

thanks for giving us somewhere to say this sort of shit and reminding us to take a minute to contemplate, comrade corgi

I just went to trader joes, my first venture into the public since the orange fascist won. I just felt incredibly sad, in my head about how all of our lives are going to get worse and we will continue to go through collectice trauma. Not that dems would have stopped it of course, but now there is a finality to how shitty things are going to become very soon. I honestly felt like crying as i was checking out…its very odd and i didnt expect to feel such emotion but its been a heavy 48 hours

I’m pretty sure dysphoria is causing depression for me. It’s hell and I don’t know how to get out. It feels hopeless.

Broke my clean streak yesterday too.

Also I’ve just been throughly angry recently. Pissed off about everything. Bitter.

Not great

I mostly voted at all in order to avoid people I know looking me up and giving me shit for non voting, but voted 3rd party, basically camouflage.

But now it has me forced to pretend to be recently upset in my work and family social circles. I have to fake shock and disbelief about trump winning, despite me feeling nothing but more of the same dread I’ve been feeling for a while and would have continued to feel regardless of the results.

Silver lining I guess is at least I’m not so isolated in feeling like we are fucked now. Everyone suddenly agrees that we are totally fucked, even though their not realizing it until now is stupid.

Fucking exhausted. Having to justify my 3rd party vote to an old friend who is a bit of a social liberal democrat guy has taken it out of me. He heard my POV and we’re cool, seems like this is a radicalizing moment for him, but it felt like he was taking his electoral frustrations out on me running through the gamut of lib media talking points. Also been working through some intense shit with my partner and not sure where I stand on things rn which has been fucking my mental health up. Also been getting my shit rocked by school but I’m nearly done so just keeping my head down and grinding. Hoping to find a new org soon after I get my life together as my last one was disappointingly tailist and was wasting my time. All in all, the usual

Bad… Can barely focus on anything or identify how am feeling.

People at my work are sad and saying “We will get through this” which is obviously wrong but I understand the wanting to believe everything is going to be ok. The next observation often made is that since Trump won there won’t be violence. Clearly these two thoughts can’t coexist.

I figure this is when we make inroads to radicalize.

I tried explaining to my lib friends why it doesn’t matter who sits in the captain’s chair of the evil empire and they got mad at me and I have rejection sensitivity so it hurts a lot

Flu induced fatigue hasn’t gone away. Might just be one of those fun fibromyalgia moments of a new symptom to get used to.

A good 12 hours sleep last night and I feel like I pulled an all nighter.

Tram museum trip tomorrow though so that’s fun

a sister of mine died recently and a lot of my sisters r one foot in the grave. i feel like i cant really help them either. im scared im going to need to go on DIY E soon and im scared of needles. its feels so bleak out here, maybe im just a weak little lib tho.

Kind of depressed lately, but not because of the election. I’m frankly just glad that shit show is over.

I’m at work and I’m an eepy princess, fortunately I can take a nappy.

Call me a liberal, and I’m hoping to have liberalism snapped out of me, but I am certainly disappointed about the election results.

Mostly for revolutionary reasons because there is no way in hell a generation of “Yeah, I’m fash because it owns the libs” is are not going to be a bunch of lost causes. It’s also a reminder of some personal griefs, that I am very unlikely to make friends with other men because I am that distant from what they want. I feel like an outlier among Gen Z, a generation of trolls.

Yeah, kind of liberal cringiness but I need to get that off my chest, if there’s any way I can be reminded that this is full of shit I’d love to hear it.

Congrats on your booze sobriety! I’m about to take a month off from drinking. I did it last year and really liked the change of pace, so I’ll be doing it again from after Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Speaking of abstention, I’m on my first thc break after four years of daily usage (a day off here and there). The first few days were unpleasant (headaches, irritable, loss of appetite, bad sleep), but that is subsiding. I’m enjoying the clarity. I can speak more succinctly and clearly. I’m less impulsive and have more patience. I guess the biggest surprise is I don’t miss it at much as I thought I would now that I’m a week off. I missed it a lot the first few days.

Otherwise, I’ve been struggling to get back into a workout routine (MWF) but haven’t given up entirely.

Sleeping well and getting back into running. Trying to ignore a lot of leftist posts to get involved in stuff. I am involved, just trying to lay low for a week and recover. Oh, and the album I contributed to was officially released on Bandcamp last week. Been riding that high.