My gf(30) revealed she has gone through my phone behind my back and during an argument brought up a message to a random woman I matched with on tinder and never met. The thing is this was a good 4-5 MONTHS before I even knew she existed. I have been very open with my phone and given her the password but I still feel betrayed. Are my feeling justified?

  • morphballganon@mtgzone.comEnglish
    672·
    1 year ago

    1. Get a password on your phone

    2. Get a girlfriend who isn’t a jealous bitch explain to your girlfriend that if she wants people to respect her boundaries, she should respect theirs

  • Psaldorn@lemmy.worldEnglish
    38·
    1 year ago

    Did you show her the date on the message?

    Did she immediately apologise?

    Sounds like manufactured drama or just… well, thick.

    If a nothingburger turns into this mess, what happens when something real happens?

  • aberrate_junior_beatnik@midwest.socialEnglish
    4312·
    1 year ago

    May I ask what you are hoping to achieve with this post? If everyone comes on here and says “yes, you are justified,” what would that mean for you and your relationship? Or, if everybody says, “no, you aren’t justified”, what would that mean?

    This question could be construed as hostile, but that’s entirely my lack of ability to frame it better. I’m not trying to imply that you shouldn’t have posted this, or that it’s a bad post. I just think it’s valuable to think about these things.

      • flipht@kbin.social
        11·
        1 year ago

        This. If I were OP, I would feel rage, betrayal, sadness, and probably a bunch of other stuff. Having sudden and intense emotions is a good time for anyone to step back and think, “Why am I reacting this way? What are these feelings trying to tell me?” And reaching out to others online is one way to rebuild a sense of trust that you’re not crazy.

      • ivanafterall@kbin.social
        8·
        1 year ago

        Particularly because the sorts of people who creep through others’ phones without asking also tend to be the same sorts of people who gaslight, deny, project, etc… “Why are you overreacting!? It’s totally normal to be jealous! It’s because I care for you so much!” Etc…etc…

        It’s all different sides of the same lack of boundaries.

    • Cpo@lemm.eeEnglish
      5·
      1 year ago

      And that is called “trust”. One of the things I could have loooooong discussions about on the (is that an American thing?) " if you love me you will give me access to your phone" type of person on Reddit.

      You know, the same type of person who will state “of he did not ask you to marry him within 6 months, leave him” type of person.

  • BananaTrifleViolin@kbin.social
    15·
    1 year ago

    Her looking through your phone means she does not trust you, is insecure for whatever reason and does not respect your privacy.

    You’ve also blurred the lines of what is acceptable by having an “open phone” policy. Your phone is private, her phone is private - you either trust each other or you don’t. You shouldn’t blur the lines of what is and isn’t acceptable like that. If someone is unable to be in a relationship with you without that kind of access then take it as a red flag and move on - don’t enable behaviour where people act on their insecurities or continue their inability to trust.

    And it doesn’t matter if a partner has been burnt before - that is their problem and something they need to learn to come to terms with and move past. Taking that into their next relationship and holding their fears and insecuriteis over a partner is a recipe for disaster.

    I’d be seriously considering moving on if I were you. You already went way beyond what is needed to show trust by having an “open phone” policy and she couldn’t even respect or trust you then; she still went behind your back snooping, and tried to throw that in your face in an argument. This does not sound like a healthy relationship.

    • lightnsfw@reddthat.comEnglish
      1·
      1 year ago

      And it doesn’t matter if a partner has been burnt before - that is their problem and something they need to learn to come to terms with and move past. Taking that into their next relationship and holding their fears and insecuriteis over a partner is a recipe for disaster.

      Yea, I have trust issues from being burned by every long term relationship I’ve ever had. So I’m not trying to date anymore. I’m not bringing that shit into someone else’s life.

  • pizza-bagel@kbin.social
    12·
    1 year ago

    I feel like going through each other’s phones is a line that, if I need to cross, then the relationship is dead. I no longer trust my partner. Even if I go through his phone and he’s not cheating I just admitted the trust is gone anyway. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me.

    And yes I acknowledge some relationships have an open phone policy like this, but that’s not applicable in a situation where you are creeping through someone’s phone without consent.

    • 768@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      5·
      1 year ago

      Sharing phone passwords is for specific use cases, I’d argue. Calling someone, looking smth up online, maybe downloading for smth. Crawling through personal chats is a whole different level and requires consent of at least two parties (chats are almost always with other people).

      • utopianfiat@lemmy.worldEnglish
        5·
        1 year ago

        Yeah, my partner and I share passwords but it’s for like, if one of us is incapacitated and you need to get something out of my phone. I would never just open up her messages and go digging and I expect the same from her.

  • candyman337@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    11·
    1 year ago

    Your feelings are justified, that’s a massive breach of trust and it sound slime she’s looking for something to be mad about. She has trust issues, and you two need to sit down and talk about it, and if she’s not willing to budge it might be time to break it off. It’s not normal for a partner to scrutinize your phone, it’s unhealthy.

  • partial_accumen@lemmy.worldEnglish
    8·
    1 year ago

    Yes, your feelings are justified.

    Can I ask how you found out she did this?

    Did she volunteer the information to you with a deep apology about a moment of weakness on her part with and admission of all the appropriate shame she should feel for violating you and your trust?

    …or…

    Or did you catch her and was she unapologetic and tried to justify that she had a right to do this to you?

  • catlover@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
    6·
    1 year ago

    i think whatever you did before her shouldn’t bother her. might have brought it up to throw random stuff at you. if you don’t actively speak with her (the old tinder match) in a way that suggest that you want to ask her out or interested in a romantic way, then your gf is over reacting imo

  • girlfreddy@lemmy.caEnglish
    5·
    1 year ago

    There’s a reason it’s called “your” phone and not “her” phone.

    If any partner of mine did that the relationship would be done. If I can’t trust them to respect me in this, the hell I would expect them to respect me in any situation.

  • NathanUp@lemmy.mlEnglish
    5·
    1 year ago

    I’ve had this happen; it’s a huge red flag. You have a right to privacy, whether or not you’re in a relationship.